the fear in her

She's barely two.

Her heart has been bruised.

She immediately folds into whoever is convenient and lays there, appearing comforted. She calls most females, "mama". She likes to be held by everyone, and she doesn't meet a stranger. What first appears from the outside as a loving, cuddling child, is a child who is afraid. See, all her bonding is superficial.

She doesn't mind me dropping her off in nursery at church, because she walks away from me to the toys. She definitely minds me walking away from her. In our home, if I walk out of the room, she goes into meltdown mode. If she hears me say, "I'm going to take a shower", she bolts for the bathroom screaming, "NO!"

She fakes injuries. She accuses the other children of hitting her, though they're not even playing together. 

I see her brother, in his own world playing with his own toys beside her. And she comes running to me, Minkle "hit me".

This weekend she saw my oldest girl cuddled up next to me with her arm around me as we sat in the chair...where she'd been just moments before. But as she chose to walk away and play, she looked back in anger at what she saw. She began yelling, "NO" and charging for the chair. As she climbed up to us, the arm that was around me is the arm she claimed just hit her. There she sat, holding her arm saying, "Sissy hit me".

"No, Sissy didn't hit you. Sissy is sitting right here. Mommy was watching. I know Sissy didn't hit you."

And she insists, "Ow! Sissy hit me!"

Then there are the tantrums that I can't satisfy. She screams for her cup, so I give her her cup. She then lays down screaming because, well...I handed her her cup. So, I take her cup. She then begins kicking her legs and arms and screaming because, well...I took her cup.

See, I think it's easier to care for bruises and disabilities that are outward...not the kind from the heart. She appears to others to be well. She appears to be bonded and happy. She appears to have adjusted remarkably. And I don't deny she has come a long way. When we first got her, there was absolutely no sparkle in her eyes. She was always very serious, stoic, solemn. Now, I see her little eyes sparkle. I can see her personality as she clowns around and begs to be tickled, "again". But this mama sees that she's still hurting.

I long to make it better, to make her future brighter. I lean heavily on your prayers as I struggle with how to parent her and guide her little heart. I know all things are possible through our mighty God, and while I'd like to say I am always trusting Him to guide and heal, I worry. I worry about her future. I worry about her heart. I worry about her ability to accept love, and if she can't accept love on more than a superficial level, how will she one day accept Jesus?

It's here I sin most...in my worry. Isn't that where most moms struggle? Maybe not, but for me, it's been my sin of choice since my babies were born. I justify it in my head...reminding myself my worries are justified.

And yet?

I can't say I'm trusting when I'm worrying. 

The fear of man lays a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.~Proverbs 29:25

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.”~Jeremiah 17:5-8

Isn't worry just fear clothed in reasoning? And while I want to take away her fear and heal her heart, aren't she and I both struggling in fear?

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,  I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff,  they comfort me."~Psalm 23:4

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."~2 Timothy 1:7

 So, as I remember...I am focusing on my gifts...the ones He's already given...to remind me He is faithful...

• a Saturday to refresh with my oldest
• movie night on the couch
• brushing curls
• little hands helping in the kitchen
• recipes to enjoy at Thanksgiving
• littles who climb on me and giggle in Sunday School
• friends who listen and pray
• coffee in a tumbler
• singing Christmas songs with my littles
• the folding of hands around the table as they all want to take turns 
• a husband who takes care of me & encourages me in so many ways
• our nightly prayer time as a family
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