when it wasn't what I thought

Can I be honest? This foster parenting...it's a lot different than I thought. I envisioned children with needs, sure. But these kinds of needs? Never.

And I often ask myself...if I had known...everything...from the attacks over advocating for them, the sleepless nights, the daily physical and emotional needs with two special needs children...before they tugged at my heart...would I still have taken the path of obedience?

Sure, God's given me this passion for a world of children my eyes chose not to see before. But, would I have obeyed?

The truth is, I don't know. I don't trust myself enough to say my answer would have been one of obedience.

But I do know this...my God has supplied. He has given me far more support and grace and perseverance than I deserve. He's been my supply when I felt completely empty. And, while I know it sounds so crazy in this flesh-filled, satisfy-me body...

when it hasn't been anything like I thought...

He's given me so much more, and I can trust in His continuing care.

Perspective.

See, "I have lived the runner, panting ahead in worry, pounding back in regrets, terrified to live in the present, because here-time asks me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive."~Ann Voskamp

Yep. I've lived there.

And yet I'm realizing...

"'This is the work (service) that God asks of you: that you believe in the One Whom He has sent {that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and have faith in His Messenger}'~John 6:29 AMP. That's my daily work, the work God asks of me? To trust. To trust in the Son, to trust in the wisdom of this moment, to trust in now. And trust is that: work. The work of trusting love. Intentional and focused. Sometimes, too often, I don't want to muster the energy. Stress and anxiety seem easier. Easier to let a mind run wild with worry than to exercise discipline, to reign her in, slip the blinders on and train her to walk steady in certain assurance, not spooked by spectators looming ahead. Are stress and worry evidences of a soul too lazy, to undisciplined, to keep gaze fixed on God?"~Ann Voskamp

So, I remember...
on the days when I feel stretched thin...Minkle's thoughts aren't clear or his ticks and head hitting are reared...Sprinkle tantrums for the 21st time...Winkle mimics it all...Tinkle is too quiet and I want to worry over it all...I remember...

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.”  
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
   to the one who seeks him;
 it is good to wait quietly
   for the salvation of the LORD.~Lamentations 3:22-26

And I trust.

and now...to the gifts He's given...
~date night
~the movie, "Temple Grandin" and the line, "she's different, not less"
~the rocking of littles that brings peace to the mama
~a friend who skips Sunday School just to talk because...she gets it
~reminders of God's miracles and how He rescues
~the prayers of prayer warriors
~His Word and the craving for it